


The Legend Is Beginning To Unfold

by skyline



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Textfic, That's right, You heard me, fushigi yuugi au, mysterious nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 15:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13573578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyline/pseuds/skyline
Summary: Kendall really wishes he could just brofive Logan for a job well done as far as magical creatures go, only, he's really mad at Logan right now. His super hot warrior friends are totally not above playing dirty, and one of them totally cursed James so that he's all like, malicious and not in love with Kendall right now.





	The Legend Is Beginning To Unfold

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, presumably four or five years ago, I texted this to persons unknown. (Probably breila-rose or sick_banjo, because who else did I ever text fic to?) I'm not sure why I never posted it, but here, I shall share this glory with you.
> 
> Don't take it seriously.

Kendall is not pleased.

He was forced - forced - to go to the library with Logan, which is not his favorite thing on a good day. Books are great in theory, but it's a whole different thing when they're staring at him with their sad, worn bindings and their faded lettering, all neglected-like. And then, because the universe despises his existence, he sees what he thinks is like, a deranged sparrow go spiraling around the ceiling and then drop like a rock.

Kendall’s a good Samaritan (his mom would be so proud) and books are terribly boring. He does the right thing and drags Logan to go help the poor, wounded creature. Except then the bird is all MIA and Logan gets sidetracked by _geekery_.

Geekery in this case, being some ancient scroll. Gross.

"How ancient can it actually be?" Kendall asks, because it’s in the library, which, granted, dates back to the dark ages, but they wouldn't keep anything of actual value there.

"Books are valuable," Logan sniffs when Kendall expounds upon that little theory, but Logan also thinks hockey is too violent. It took Kendall five years to talk him onto the team, and even now he spends half his time benched. His value system is obviously warped.

Anyway, so not the point. The point is that Logan's dusty old manuscript ends up being a magic dusty old manuscript, and not in the fun Harry Potter kind of way. It like, eats  Logan, which Kendall distinctly does not recall JK writing about, okay?

Luckily, Kendall is a really, truly kickass friend, and he does the honorable thing and lets the centuries old scroll thing - god, it’s probably an ancient roll of toilet paper with writing on it, now that Kendall thinks about it - eat him too.

And that is how he ends up in a dress. Seriously, Kendall is really displeased.

"I could come up with a better plan in my sleep," Kendall announces, arms crossed, hip cocked, and don’t think he doesn’t know that Jett is checking out his butt right now.

"Behave, priestess," Lucy commands, slapping him on the shoulder, and man, Lucy hits really hard for a girl. Kendall thinks that when he gets back home that she should come join his hockey team.

Unless she keeps calling him priestess. That is not a fun nickname to have on the back of your jersey.

Kendall winces. "You’re supposed to protect me, not beat me. Did you not get that memo?"

Soothingly, and by soothingly Kendall means he sounds like the pompous kingly asshole he is, Dak says, "We just have to sneak you past the guards and-"

"And save James," Kendall finishes.

"Uh. No. That is not the plan." Dak pouts, but he does it so subversively that he doesn’t actually look like he’s pouting; more like he’s posing for a magazine. Kendall supposes that’s something a person learns in royal school, because that’s what Dak is. A royal. "I don't know why you like James so much. I'm prettier than him."

"So am I," Jett volunteers cheerfully, eyes still fixated on Kendall's left bun. Which, whatever, they might be right, because Kendall thought the both of them were girls when he first met them, but it doesn't matter. James is James. He's everything.

Wait. Kendall's getting ahead in his story, isn't he?

What happened after he got devoured by the mean, mean old manuscript was that he found a whole hidden world inside its stomach. Cool, right? Except not actually even a little bit, because as far as Kendall could tell, this world was all big rolling mountains and rice patties and barren stretches of land. It was a lot of nature, even for a kid from the middle of Minnesota, and there was not a trace of the internet anywhere.

Which, Kendall totally could have handled it still, he was a boy scout, he survived wilderness training. Only the people who live in the middle of all this natural beauty? Were kind of assholes. James was the first person he meets with a personality in this land, which they call Konan.

It has nothing to do with the barbarian, Kendall totally checked.

So Kendall got sucked through this vortex of evil and maybe didn’t instantly get along with the locals. He was having a minor...uh, skirmish, with these dicks who were trying to steal his hockey bag. James came along and offered to save him.

Kendall would have been insulted that James thought he needed saving, and that he tried to take Kendall's hockey stick in exchange for it, only he was James. He wore a crown of rainbows and his cheeks sparkled with the tears of unshed love and really, he just looked like he needed a hug. Kendall made it his mission in life to stalk him- wait, no, to follow him with great persistence, that sounds better, right? - until he decided he loved Kendall back.

It took a shockingly long time, and Kendall's fricking lovable, okay. His mom says his dimples make the world turn, and his mom never lies. She is an upstanding lady. But in the end, it turned out that persistently following in James's handsome footsteps was a really good idea, because of this whole little legend thing.

According to the ancient law thingiemabobber of Konan, Kendall was supposed to collect dudes (and Lucy) like super hot pokeballs, and then perform this ceremony to summon a god and save Barbarianland.

Kendall doesn't really believe in legends, but so far it's gotten him a shit ton of hot guys (and Lucy) doting on him, other than James, who is really against being a magic creature of light and love for some reason. Plus Kendall's so famous that people keep bringing him homecooked meals, and he's a teenage boy. He likes food a lot, alright?

The downshot of this whole thing is the part where Logan's like, evil now.

Logan doesn't pull off good evil; he's all small and angry, like a wet chipmunk, but man is he trying. Also, he totally gets a dragon god to awaken. How unfair is that? Kendall has to go talk to a god and ask it to save a kingdom, and it looks like a giant chicken. Logan gets scales and fire. Wicked, right?  

Kendall really wishes he could just brofive Logan for a job well done as far as magical creatures go, only, he's really mad at Logan right now. His super hot warrior friends are totally not above playing dirty, and one of them totally cursed James so that he's all like, malicious and not in love with Kendall right now. And then they put a bunch of soldiers around Dak's fortress of solitude, which is why Kendall now has to wear a dress to sneak out and go save his beloved.

Or simply sneak out, if he were interested in listening to Dak. (He's not.)

"Look, James is my soul mate and spirit animal, and as the all powerful badass-"

"Priestess," Lucy provides helpfully.

"Badass," Kendall says emphatically, with plenty of dignity and grace that is only slightly undermined by the fact that he's wearing ladies' underwear. "And I say James is the priority."

"We can't save James and protect you," Dak says huffily.

"Stop being stubborn," Jett agrees, because he is inclined to agree with every word that comes out of Dak's mouth.

Winning Jett over was such a chore. At first he was all convinced that Kendall's main goal in life was to storm the royal fortress, so to speak, and that made him irritable, but then he decided he liked Kendall even better than Dak. Yay? Besides, penetrating the majesty's dungeon is not even near the top of Kendall's list of things to do. Like, Dak's pretty, so maybe, if James didn't exist, but be does. He is descended from angels, and heaven, and probably a long line of supermodels.

James, his one true love.

Lucy flaps a hand in front of Kendall's face. "Are you writing poetry about the slope of James's nose again? Because we really don't have time for that."

"You don't understand romance," Kendall huffs in reply.

Lucy shrugs, as if this is not a great tragedy or fault in her character.

"We're not saving James," Dak announces decisively. At Kendall's rough glare, he recants. Slightly. "We'll try. But James has obviously been seduced by Byakko's priestess and wily soldiers."

"Logan can't seduce pie," Kendall grumps. "And Camille isn't that wily. You guys are way better soldiers."

Lucy cocks an eyebrow and mouths, "Are you sure about that?"

Dak and Jett preen.

"Uh. Well." Kendall is forced to concede the point. He hastily changes the subject. "Don't we have a prison to break? Come on, charge, Geronimo, allons-y."

"There will be no charging," Dak snipes. "If any of you so much as chip a fresco I'll hold a public beheading."

As a group, they chorus, "Yes, your highness."

Then they proceed to completely ignore him, blundering through the castle's pillared halls with all the grace and stealth of rhinoceri.

Logan's protectors are predictably completely inept.

Or, you know, being skillfully distracted by Kendall's other minions. He has seven altogether, after all. Lucy, Dak, Jett, and James make up his main entourage, because James is James, Lucy is scary, Dak royally insists upon it, and Jett is clingy enough that Kendall suspects he might be part marsupial.

But there’s also Wayne, TJ, and Tad. They are the wind beneath Kendall’s wings, the flying buttresses under his roof, the really helpful helpers.

…except Tad. Tad is a little dim, but no one likes to tell him that.

Still, even Tad manages to successfully distract Logan’s friend-people, allowing Kendall and has warriors to slip away. Kendall experiences a single, profound moment of regret that the subterfuge is necessary, but he doesn’t dwell on it. This whole magic god talking thing blows chunks all over the place, and he’s made his peace with Dragon-god hating on chicken-god, and vice-versa. It’s the reason Logan’s troupe of super-studs are majorly opposed to his being besties with Kendall again, but what is there to do?

Suckage.

The important part is where they manage to save James.

Okay, Lucy’s the one who manages to brain James across the skull with a big rock, but Kendall is their fearless leader, so he’s entitled to take credit here.

“I did it all for you, Priestess,” Lucy informs him, dropping James in front of him in a tangle of graceful limbs and glowing skin. He’s the prettiest of all the pretty things in the entire pretty universe. Kendall wants to decorate him in sparkles and frosting and lick it all off his abs.

“You’re my favorite,” Kendall tells her graciously. He lets the Priestess comment slide, because positive reinforcement! That is how you train dogs! His English teacher, Mr. Rocque, tells him that all the time. “Now leave us. We have stuff to do. And stuff.”

Lucy frowns. “No.”

He takes it back. She’s not even close to his favorite. “Why no?”

“He’s unconscious, and I’m seriously concerned about the way you’ve got him all, like, roped to a pole.”

“I’m not going to do anything to him.”

Pointedly, she asks, “Then why are you taking off your shirt?”

Stupid Lucy, asking all the important questions and being shrewd and stuff.

“We’re in love,” Kendall declares dramatically, “And he’ll remember that once we consummate it, and stuff.”

“As fun as that would be for me to watch, why don’t we wait and see if you’re still in love when James is, you know, awake.”

Kendall thinks on it. “Your plan is sound. You may continue in your position as my favoritest.”

Dak makes a disgusted noise. “I doubt the veracity of this claim.”

Jett’s too busy staring at Kendall’s ass again to care.

The royal pampering box, or litter or whatever, tilts to the back, throwing Kendall directly into Jett’s lap. Lucy spills face first onto James, catching herself on the center pole and the ropes. Dak falls right out the back in a spectacular display of flailing and paisley printed curtains.

“Tad!” Kendall shrieks, one of Jett’s hands getting inappropriately frisky.

“I can’t carry the whole back by myself!” Tad yelps from outside the sedan. From the front, TJ and Wyane mutter something that sounds a lot like _wuss_. “You guys are heavy.”

“Did he just call my royal person fat?” Dak’s disembodied voice demands. The question is followed by a lot of bleated _ows_ on Tad’s part. Poor Tad.

Kendall slaps Jett’s hands away from his derriere. “That belongs to James.”

“I could be your love slave too, you know. I’m better looking than he is.”

“But you don’t taste like unicorns when we kiss.”

“How do you know, we’ve never kissed!” Jett declares, throwing caution to the wind and totally going for it.

Kendall has the briefest impression of hot, wet mouth and too much tongue before Lucy manages to pry him off.

He tastes more like Cheetos than unicorns. Kendall is unimpressed.

As is James, who awakes with a cry of, “Nobody is better looking than me!”

James is soooooooo dreamy.

Kendall throws himself at him in the bear hug to end all bear hugs, ignoring James’s angry, growly little cries of, “No!” and, “Geroff!” and, “You’re messing up my hair!”

“You’re cute when you say things,” Kendall decides. Then he mouth-kisses him, because there’s way too much Jett on his lips right now.

Lucy, the bestest, grabs Jett by the collar of his shirt and declares, “We should leave. Immediately.”

“Wanna watch,” Jett insists.

“God, me too. But come on. You’re going to have to support the litter while they get it on.”

“Me? What about you?”

Lucy beams. “I have to wash my hair. Or hit things with my sword. Or be anywhere but here. Bye guys, have fun.”

Waggling her fingers at Kendall and James, she carts Jett right out of the royal sedan, and bossily informs Dak that no, he can’t get back inside right now. Kendall thinks she deserves a promotion. She can be princess of his heart, royal guardian of his pants, and ass-kicker extraordinaire. That title suits her.

James is such a boss kisser. He provides exactly the right amount of tongue and lip ratio. Kendall hopes his tongue and lip ratio is equally as amenable, but just to be sure, he injects lot of extra puppy-like enthusiasm.

“I’m in love with Master Logan,” James declares wildly against his mouth, while Kendall unzips his pants. “But you’re cute too so I guess this is okay?”

“Oh good, you’re still evil.” Kendall grins huge, because consent, consent is good. If there was no consent Lucy and her big rock might come after him. “You’re better evil.”

And then they make passionate, crazy love inside the royal litter while Tad, TJ, Dak, Jett, and Wayne all wonder how they got to this milemarker in their lives.

It gets especially uncomfortable when James starts purring a lot and saying, “Yes, yes, fuck, you are my spider-monkey goddess,” but no one wants to talk about that afterwards.

Except for Lucy, who happily misses the whole thing in favor of saving a small village, because she’s basically a super hero in her free time.

Afterwards, Kendall’s head lolls over James’s naked lap and he declares, “Ropes were the best idea.”

“Yes,” James agrees. “Why don’t you let me go and we’ll see how you are without them?”

“No can do, Jamesieopeia, Jamesamazon, James- wait.” Kendall is struck by a sudden, horrifying thought. “Did you say you’re in love with Logan?”

Dun, dun, dun…

 


End file.
